I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
