I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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