JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
