Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Randomize
