I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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