Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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