I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
