I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
