My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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