I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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