Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
