Just fell off a train. Bad.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
