I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Alive.
So much puke
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
