You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
