Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
