The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
