both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
