There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
