so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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