I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
