I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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