if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
