Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
