I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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