How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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