My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Randomize
