the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
