she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
