if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
