dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
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There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
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It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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