i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day