Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?