if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
