tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
