I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
