Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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