Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I FOUND THE LEGS
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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