as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
