Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
