Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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