dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
