im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
