I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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