apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
