mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
