So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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