No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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