so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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