I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
