Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
