Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
