It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
