I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I woke up under a house in Key West
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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