I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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