New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
