Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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