the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
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