mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
