hotel room ftw
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
this boner is exhausting
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You are the jesus of drinking
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
