I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
