Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
